We Have the Power: Maybe We Can’t Just “Let Go.” But Maybe We Can Stop Feeding What’s Eating Us

People tell us, “Just let go!” Or “let it go.” Let go of that thought circling continuously in our mind. Let go of that memory, that pain, that habit. Let go of the attacks we launch against ourselves. But there’s no “just let go.” We usually can’t do that. It would be wonderful if, when a hurtful thought arises, we were aware enough to “just” say “bye bye now,” and we kicked it out. Whoopee! It might be that simple for some of us; but usually, when we kick it, it kicks back.

 

It’s a hypnotic technique; if we want someone to think of something, we say “don’t think of this.” Like the famous example, “Don’t think of an elephant” and we think of an elephant. Or we tell children, don’t touch my computer and there they are at the computer.

 

And what’s worse is the expectation; the thought that it should be “just” that easy is an added weight on a weighted soul. We can carry around these selfies of expectations, of ourselves glaring at our “mistakes,” ourselves with others glaring or staring at us.

 

Instead of pushing a thought away, we can pause, stop whatever we’re doing for a second; take an easy, longer breath. And notice where we’re standing. We can’t easily stop a thought; but we can add another more aware, generous, or compassionate one. In my dreams, when something pursues me and I try to hide or turn away, the dream becomes a nightmare, the pursuer expands exponentially into a monster and chases me in a manner too terrible to see. When I face the pursuer, it shrinks and becomes just another living being to recognize. There’s great power in facing and knowing when to face our monsters.

 

One memorable insight I got from mythologist Joseph Campbell and others was that sometimes what seems threatening can be a “call” to us, to step up, try something new; and by doing so, we find ourselves. What once seemed a fright becomes something like an adventure. Writer C. K. Chesterton agreed with Campbell’s point when he wrote: “an adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered.” And the bible: “For the turning away of the simple shall slay them…” Of course, sometimes, we should just turn away.

 

So, one thing that can turn thoughts into torture is letting them chase us from right now; or chase us from looking into what’s living in and around us. We might think the thought itself, and the object of thought carries the whole package of hurt. However, the loss of a moment, of clear seeing, hurts. The running hurts. The negative verdict on ourselves binds and blinds us. It’s how we respond to events or news that matters most. There’s great power, perspective, and freedom in spending time to clearly consider how we respond. Maybe we can’t just “let go.” But maybe, maybe we can stop feeding what’s eating us.

 

And some things we’re not always ready to face. In that case, being caring of ourselves is perfect. All of us have such times, such traumas or hurts. And noticing as much as we possibly can, in that moment, whatever is there for us, with caring and compassion is such a gift. No expectations, just noticing. Such kindness opens us; being judgmental closes us.

 

Instead of being absorbed by an emotion, we can use our attention to “just” notice it. We can break apart what plagues us by noticing what the sensations are and where they‘re located. We can name the quality of feeling and the volume. We can, of course, also talk with others about them, say what we feel safe to say, or say what’s just a little bit beyond safe; or say what feels right. By noticing what feels right and honest in ourselves, and what is right and honest in relating to others is great power. Instead of trying to be a hero in anyone else’s dream, be honest in ours….

 

*To read the whole article, please go to The Good Men Project.

 

Difficult Conversations, And Crossing the Divide

Question:  Being an ally is important to me, but an obviously important piece of what that means is having difficult conversations with people who either believe that allyship is unnecessary or worse, some kind of liberal conspiracy.  I want to have better tools for dealing with people who are fact-resistant and believe the false stories in the right-wing media.  When I present multiple sources that contradict the lies they have heard, I feel like we end up on a merry-go-round in the he said/she said tradition where nobody learns anything and we both end up frustrated.  What can I be doing better?

 

Oh, yes. This dilemma is so familiar. It is so important that those of us who are white allies try to have those difficult conversations with the fact-resistant people that you refer to, about racism and other intersectional issues. And with those who might agree with us about the facts but can’t get motivated to act.

 

As you said, it has become increasingly frustrating, and I can’t claim much success. We can all think we know what’s right, so changing someone’s mind about anything important can be brutal, if not impossible. Simply mentioning certain issues can lead to anger or anxiety. Just presenting reliable evidence or showing how their evidence is contradictory or comes from unreliable sources doesn’t usually work. Our nation is on edge, suffering not only from what filmmaker Ken Burns called the three pandemics, COVID, white nationalism, and misinformation, but a climate emergency, so the tension we feel makes what’s difficult even more so.

 

In the political situation we are in today, the strongest wall the right-wing leaders have built is clearly not at our southern border, but down almost the middle of this nation. This wall was very deliberately constructed. Making conversations difficult is one way that differing viewpoints are turned into a wall.

 

When I taught a class on debate, I did research on persuasion.  A key point is to first get your foot in the door. Get any point of acceptance, of something we share or agree about. Say ‘yes’ and hopefully they will do the same. Establish a relationship so we are no longer on the other side of a door, or wall.

 

When disinformation is mistaken for truth, and truth becomes indistinguishable from belief, anyone who doesn’t reside on our side of the border on an issue is perceived as an enemy. And one of the main components of that wall is racism. So maybe the best thing to expect from ourselves is speaking to that reality as clearly as we can.

 

George Lakoff, in his books The All New Don’t Think of an Elephant, Know Your Values and Frame the Debate, and Your Brain’s Politics: How the Science of Mind Explains the Political Divide, provides clear, explicit methods for doing this. First, listen for the person’s values and speak to them. Don’t just negate or argue with the other person’s claims. Then, re-phrase or reframe the issue. And once that reframe is accepted in the conversation, our point of view can follow naturally from it, as common sense. Don’t be a patsy to their way of framing or misrepresenting the world. Use frames we really think are true based on values we hold. And recognize who might be more inclined to listen to us….

 

**To read the whole post, go to the Ask An Ally column of the Good Men Project.